Written on 1/16/2011
I cant lie. Im scared. Im on my flight home from CT. And while the trip was amazing and WILL be completed again, many times… I cant help but worry. I love Sheldon. DO NOT get me wrong. I love him more than anything, except Lizzi. The problem, then?
I didn’t feel that “spark”, that moment of energy, that I have felt before with others, when I kissed him. I didn’t think anything of it Friday night, seeings as I just basically attacked him for the kiss, but then this morning and then again in the afternoon I truly didn’t catch the spark. And that scares me. Beyond anything else in my whole life that scares me, even more than the turbulence!!
I know that he was made for me, we are meant to be. BUT… Why didn’t I feel the spark? Maybe I did, and it just didn’t register. I mean, should I really be worrying about it? Maybe it has something to do with all the hard ships we will have to go thru one day, with the damn list, parole and probation. I WILL stand next him thru it all, do NOT get me wrong. And I can only imagine how amazing our life will be one day. BUT. It doesn’t stop me from worrying about the damn spark.
I mean, I didn’t feel a damn thing. God, his arms felt soooo damn good around me. And his touch soothed me. And god, his hands! Man. I KNOW he is MINE. And maybe in april I will feel that spark. At least I hope to god I do. My gosh. He is soooo perfect. His muscular arms, his beautiful eyes, such a beautiful shade of chocolate brown, oh man even his little raised mole on his left arm, right below his elbow. Is that weird that I noticed that? Lol. Oh, how I cant wait to know everything about his body. And actually, his “strong libido” is starting to scare me less and less. Which, considering I hate sex, I find quite surprising. God. The next four years (god I pray its less!!) will NOT go fast enough.
And as far as M, M, C, and T, “my 4 guys in six weeks” group? Forget them. He wont know. Well, I mean, he knows I slept with them, I just didn’t put the dates like I did for the others, and he did not ask questions. His problem, not mine. But if he was to ask, I would tell him. And then let him know that I made my decision on who I wanted to be with, without even sleeping with him! Which I think is fucking awesome.
Ya know, I might become a praying woman. I love that man sooo much, and I would pray for him. I want to pray for him. I want to. Which is weird. The last guy I prayed for was Mitch back in summer 05. Damn. Apparently I just chose the wrong guys.
Sheldon, baby, I love you. And the spark is NOT necessary, especially when I know you are the one for me. No one has EVER ever made me as happy as you do. I love you sooo much. Thank you for loving me. <3 <3 <3